There's that moment where I got tired. At that moment, my not-so-light bag seems to become heavier and I am more inclined to shut myself out even while I am with a group of people. The brain seemed to exclaim repeatedly, "You are tired tired tired!"
And in this state, I asked myself if fatigue was just a convenient excuse to cease active interaction with others. Of course, I was reminded that I am not a superman and everyone deserves some rest alone. It is human to desire rest. However, I found the need to question if I would still put others before myself despite all this fatigue. And sadly I had to come to terms with "no", that with absolute certainty I don't love them enough to say "yes".
Looking into my fatigue made me realised I felt so alone in doing everything as a group leader. My other co-worker is happily enjoying life in her hometown and does not seem to bother about me, to ask if I am fine. I can look past all that and let it go. But deep down inside I guess I really wanted somebody to show some degree of concern towards me. Is that self-centred? Or maybe somehow I gave the impression that I have got everything together? Or perhaps it is just not easy for anyone to approach an introverted person like me.
Time to time when I was with the group, thoughts like these come up and I hesitate to share about how I feel about being a cell group leader with my cell group members. How do I share this in a way that does not affect the morale or climate of the group? How do I do a sharing like that which edifies my group members?
Ephesians 4:29
"Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear."
This verse came up in my mind and I thought I should keep my mouth shut on this for now.
I analyzed what might be the motivation to even consider doing such a sharing in the first place. The struggle with desires of the flesh is definitely present. The old me enticed me to draw others' attention to how noble I am to bear all the workload on my shoulders. The new me identified this and resisted the old me.
So with a group of people, I thought of this mass of things - things which I would not have thought about if I weren't a group leader. With these thoughts I can throw both my hands up in the air and say, "It's complicated".
The great commandment had that sense of "to the degree that you love yourself, love others as well". And perhaps the issue is that I don't really know how to love myself and in turn, others. I might have been a terrible lover to begin with. And the reality is that I am a helpless struggler with a heart with good intentions intertwined with selfish desires.
So ... what's the point of saying all these in this post?
It might help me better appreciate that I am far worse than I ever dared believe, but more loved and accepted in Christ than I ever dared hope.
I pray that out of God's glorious riches he may strengthen me with power through his Spirit in my inner being, so that Christ may dwell in my hearts through faith. And I pray that I, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that I may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
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