Angst

It's scary to find yourself becoming someone you do not want to be. This period was one where I got disappointed with people and gradually I seem to be quicker to see the worse side of people. Is the solution really to have low expectations for them? I don't quite get it.

There was the angst that came up in me - that people ought to be more serious about certain things,that they need to reflect on their attitude towards the things of God and spare a thought for others.These three points in one way or another, are good advice to take, yet I think there is a problem.

The problem was that I take pride in what I do and I really commit myself to do them to the extent that when I realised that they are not like me and will not be like me, I look down on them. This was made worse when I perceived that they simply could not be bothered to interact with me or seemed to treat interacting with me is like some low priority task. With that, I have ceased to see others as people who needed God's grace and mercy. Love for them flipped upside down.

The circumstances apparently got me to retreat into my own bubble and live my life. Yet, somewhere in me tells me that I need my communities so as to get in touch with my human-ness. Right now, I am in a love-and-hate relationship with it.

Maybe it has got to do with my distorted view of self-worth and my observation that the brilliant and outspoken ones tend to be respected more than others. Is there really a place for a normal introvert person like me in today's era? I don't know.

In the light of all things, the gospel of God stands out. I admire God's willingness to send His son down to the Earth and reach out to people who did not really give a damn about Him and eventually rejected Him as who He is and claimed to be. How did you do that, O Lord Jesus? How do You, after witnessing centuries of rebellious human beings repeatedly sinning in your face and disappoint You terribly, still continue to show compassion, grace and mercy to them? Teach me O Lord. Help me to put my hope in You, tackle this angst and burst that bubble.

( On a side note, perhaps I  really need to cultivate the discipline of solitude. )